I am Only Human
You are not a hero; you are not a superwoman; you are not superhuman. Do not make a martyr of yourself. Do not suffer the expectations of others. You are only capable of that which has already been done.
This is my mantra for when I experience feelings of failure and worthlessness following 'sub drop.'
The intersection of personal growth and kink has taken the shape of learning how to be authentic with others, but more importantly, with myself.
'Sub drop' is a catch-all term used to identify the profoundly desolate headspace that submissives and/or bottoms may experience following play. Every threshold for sub drop is different because our histories are sewn of variant experiences, and each experience is variant.
My kink is political, my kink is psychological. I make this inclusion distinct because there are degrees of thought concerning the intersection of such. When I engage in play, it's not confined to the bedroom. No sex or intimate experience is created or contained solely to the space in which it transpires. Intimacy is symptomatic of our personal mythologies.
I am a submissive; I am a rope bottom. During these enterprises, I take on a universe: emotionally, psychologically, physically. With regards to shibari or rope bondage, it is a conduit for connection, exorcism, and expression. With the wave of release that accompanies catharsis, comes an abundance of revelations to wade through. Even that attempt at a definition feels limiting to the experience. I can speak at length about shibari and what the practice means to me, but I want to contain this article's premise to the aftermath known as sub drop.
The Experience of Sub Drop: At its best, hollow happiness: at its worst, hollowed humanity. Vertiginous: drowning in a bog of sallow gray that has eroded life into travesty. It's not a process, it's an odyssey. I gave everything I had, yet everything wasn't enough.
The reverberations of sub drop can be felt by the people involved or in proximity. In prostration, we (bottoms/subs) are prone to projecting our insecurities, struggles, and suffering. We are grasping for validation, safety, answers. Those charged with our aftercare are tasked with supporting us to the best of their ability.
Sometimes a bottom/sub will allow their emotional needs to go neglected. I am reticent to use the word 'need,' as we are all responsible for managing our own psychologies, but within the framework of kink-play, it is essential to note the context. During play, submissives are rendered powerless. They have had their autonomy stripped from them, often in violent ways. Our designated roles are to serve. We aren't machines that can switch cognitive gears so seamlessly. There will be residual feelings of powerlessness and servitude that continue to tether you to the parties involved, like an umbilical cord. It's a delicate weaning-off process, not a clean break-away. Navigating the dynamics between parties and post-play is inherently a surreal experience. However, if the experience is intense enough, an unintended consequence is to be eclipsed with such overwhelm that communication becomes secondary.
As a bottom, I am guilty of holding this notion that I am bulletproof.
In the not-so-distant past, I prided myself on my self-sufficiency. Boasted even that I've 'never needed aftercare' or that I am 'low maintenance' and 'do not require external help.' I believed that this vacuum-sealed sovereignty increased my value as a bottom, that being malleable made me more desirable. Time and experience have degraded that notion thoroughly, but not without consequence. That consequence also has a name: burnout. I have an abundantly supportive community of riggers and tops that have tried in vain to dispel this mythology. Let me make a case for why I took so long on the uptake:
We are overwhelmed by the concept of 'should.' We SHOULD do this; we SHOULD feel that; we SHOULD {insert expectation}. Expectation is the death of happiness. Society deems anyone weak that can't self-sustain. The timeless All-American ideal is to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Be an adult! Handle your business. This is idealistic, not realistic. This antiquated ideal has left an indelible scar on our psyches.
Consequently, there is shame associated with admitting you need help. It takes an immense amount of courage to find your voice and be heard. What a terrible burden then to be baptized in a sea of stigma and stereotype. As a society, we are quick to diminish someone to a term like 'codependent' or 'needy.' I feel guilty for wanting help, guilty for asking, so simpler to stay silent, grin, and bear it. After all, I'm a masochist, I can take the pain, can't I? Masochism and martyrdom should not be confused.
We are complex creatures that move dynamically through a broad swath of experience. Relegating someone's circumstance to a static term is an egregious misunderstanding of the human condition. Humanity consists of duality: of light and dark, of give and take. We are social creatures, symbiotic by design. We function best in communities. We're all familiar with the adage, "It takes a village." There is truth in that.
My identity was aligned with expectations that were impossible to meet. My proverbial fall from grace was recognizing that I was not infallible. This is a common pathology that many masochists and bottoms contend with at some point along their kink journey. Ultimately, I was doing myself a disservice. My expectations were degrading my experiences, amplifying my sub drop, and perpetuating burnout.
This article is coming off the back of recent experience.
It was a beautiful disaster…
The allure of this lifestyle is to push past pre-established limits, but in doing so, sometimes, you find a limit you did not know you had. And I did. I did not think I needed aftercare, or rather, because I have such a mental block concerning it, I did not consider myself. I paid for it dearly the following week. Instead of the experience being rejuvenating, it was draining. I'm burnt out. I can’t even look at photos of shibari without reliving my sub drop. I feel like I'm riding a carousel through submissive purgatory.
This experience was a stark wake-up call. I am thankful for it, even if still tender. I have learned how to advocate for myself and, more importantly, how to kill my ego.
Aftercare is an integral part of mitigating sub drop. Communicating and understanding the type and extent of aftercare you need is essential to maintaining sound mental health.
Tops/Riggers/Doms - please check in with your bottoms and your submissives! I cannot stress this enough! Everyone's processing time post-play is different. Silence does not equal peace of mind. A smile does not indicate happiness. Do not be dismissive. And here I make a case for compassion.
Be compassionate, be authentic, be human.
Xoxo,
Shibari Barbie
