The Case for Compliments
A Dying Art
Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger on Unsplash
Expounding on my last post concerning kindness as a commodity, I want to state my case for the dying art of complimenting.
For the sake of simplicity, let's use a common compliment one might receive, "you're beautiful."
I believe I am beautiful. However, it's increasingly rare that someone would offer that compliment FACE-TO-FACE. (The digital realm remains just that - digital. It is not the same as real-world encounters. #sorrynotsorry)
The standard argument I’ve heard from multiple sources with whom I’ve discussed this goes, "well, you know you're beautiful. Why do you need me to tell you that?"
I want to counter this logic.
No one needs compliments. It's not about need. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm beautiful to believe I am. You are not 'obligated' to foster anyone's belief system with empty platitudes. That's denigrating to the art & grace of complimenting. That's also not the issue I have with that logic.
You have an opinion; I have an opinion. I know what I believe. I don't know what you believe. I've been accused of many things, but a mind-reader is not among them. The fact that someone made a conscious effort to verbalize a kind remark sends a powerful message. You want me to know that you think of me. It's not even important what is said, only that it is said. You recognize me; you appreciate me. That's the real impact behind compliments. Compliments are but one of many forms of expression we have at our disposal to communicate affection, inclusion and camaraderie. We don't have to be timid about complimenting each other, especially if your intention is honestly to be kind.
Another argument I hear is, “well, sometimes I compliment a person and they take it as an insult, or assume I’m trying to hit on them, even if I was just trying to be nice.”
Someone’s reception or perception of what you said does not dictate your intention. If your intention was honest and kind, then it remains honest and kind despite any accusation or misinterpretation. Your actions should not be solely dictated by external reactions. It’s like the adage, “don't let one bad apple ruin the batch for you.” If you delivered a compliment and it wasn’t received well, it’s prone to happen when we all have different value systems and life experiences. It doesn’t have to mean it’s the deathblow for your complimenting career.
I urge you to think critically about any criticism and constructively learn from that feedback.
Example: If you complimented a friend on how physically fit they look, but they are having a difficult time accepting their appearance, it might not resonate in the way you intended. It’s important to understand that reception is a reflection of their journey, not yours.
Solution: If details around physicality make your friend uncomfortable, out of respect, you might want to steer clear of those types of comments. But if you insist on making mention because you know it’s important to them, try something like, “I’m proud of you for prioritizing your health” or “I’m proud of your discipline and commitment.”
Example: If you complimented a woman by saying, “you’re beautiful” and she receives that as an insult, it might be because she feels her ability or intelligence has been repeatedly overshadowed by her appearance and she desperately wants to be acknowledged for something else.
Solution: In the case of the latter try gender-neutral compliments in the future like, “you look happy” or “you are glowing” or “you’re a great conversationalist, I really like talking with you.”
This notion that compliments are reserved for physicality is false. In the realm of physicality is where so many pitfalls in complimenting exist. There are so many amazing qualities unique to each of our personalities, use a little creativity and I am confident you can come up with something inspiring and innocuous.
I want to dispel another notion that compliments are only reserved for women. Absolutely false. Chivalry isn’t exclusive to heteronormative dynamics. Women can compliment women. Men can praise men. Women can empower men. Men can empower women. Strangers can honor strangers. Complimenting is cool.
Kindness is cool; kindness is magical.
