Small Tits & Fat Thighs
The Infectious Toxicity of Negative Reinforcement
In this photo, you see a woman comfortably stretched out on a couch, with a telling smile. What you don't see is the story of her struggle to reclaim sovereignty over her body.
In the not-so-distant past, I had a partner who claimed to love me, yet consistently barraged me with negative reinforcement.
The first time, he was joking.
"Your tits could be bigger."
The second time, he was joking.
"You have muscle in your thighs? It looks like all fat."
The third time, STOP: there shouldn't have been a first or second time.
Logically, I understood the misogynistic and psychological implications behind negative reinforcement. Logically, I understand when someone uses negative reinforcement, it's their own projected insecurity and does not reflect the reality of the situation, nor my worth. Logically, yes. But amidst the oxytocin and my own insecurities, it didn't resonate. His negative reinforcement worked.
For months, I was a spineless doll, bent and bowed by his every criticism. I wanted to please him; I wanted him to be happy with me; I wanted to be happy with me. And my happiness was contingent on his satisfaction with me.
His insecurity triggered my insecurity. This wasn't love. This wasn't healthy. I drove myself insane trying to meet an unrealistic standard of the ideal woman I thought he wanted. It's easy to point the finger at someone who falls prey to this psychological manipulation, but it's not always as easy to identify toxic patterns when you are caught in its cyclic abuse.
Upon reflection, I allowed his negative reinforcement to hold me hostage. I believed the misogynistic narrative that a woman's worth is based on what she can offer a man. Yes, me, the feminist. And there was a trove of shame in admitting my internalized misogyny. Acknowledging is the first step to de-conditioning. Still, even with acknowledging and actively working to change my internal narrative, when my self-worth wavers, I hear his voice in my head, on a vicious loop.
I am immensely grateful to my dear friend, Matt Sklar, the photographer, for creating a space safe enough for me to own my body. This body is riddled with scars and secret struggles. When I look at my photo, I am reminded of how far I've come in loving myself. All of me. Small tits and fat thighs.
You move through the world differently when you can stand confidently in your own skin. You move through the world differently when you understand your power. #Takeyourpowerback
